about last night

I walked in the door to find my sweet husband eating left over Brussel sprouts from the fridge. I kissed his neck and whispered, “Get me out of here.” Or something dramatic along those lines. We jumped in the car and headed across the bridge. Every single time I see the Mississippi she makes me smile. New Orleans is beautiful and hard and flashy and grungy. She’s only ever made me feel that everything I am is who I’m already supposed to be. How does a city do this? “Hey there, I see you and I don’t want to change you.” DC makes me think about our history and the future and how we’re all connected. Nashville is a warm howdy, come stay awhile little sister. Chicago is special, she tells me I can do anything. New York City, she made me feel small in the best possible way. Austin just loves you and ignores you at the same time. San Antonio, she’s a breath of fresh air with Texas pride and very few assumptions.

I could go on and on.

I digress.

I love cities. I feel so insanely blessed to live where we do. I thought about this as we drove down familiar streets, scored a perfect parking spot and walked hand in hand in the cold. “Reset. Reset. Reset.” Our steps echoed from the cracked pavement. Cars whizzed past and traffic lights flashed in the darkness. “Attitude of gratitude”. How do you keep finding it? The blue door opened and our favorite spot welcome us in with a wash of warm lighting and a shout of hello from someone in the back. We ordered, Garrett over tipped, which he always does and I love him for. He is so generous with all that he has.

A while back I found myself making comments about his giving in relation to our needs being met. When I stopped and listened to the words I said, I was struck with how ungrateful and untrue they were. We are so blessed and taken care of. In the times when there hasn’t been enough, God has always made a way for us. I realized my comments were coming from a place of unbelief. How easy it is to quickly forget. How easy it is to try and take ownership of things, but not ourselves. Our words are powerful. It’s painful to admit but also a relief. “Wow, I haven’t been believing. My nails are digging into the palms of my clenched fists. I can’t receive anything with this posture.” Sometimes opening my hands is the scariest thing I can do. It’s a sign of surrender, acceptance and praise. It breaks the loop I have found myself stuck on. It cracks my resolve to do it all on my own. It breaks and heals in a single breath.

I have been trying to hold onto things lately. It’s gradual so while I could feel it, I hadn’t identified it. As we sat in our booth last night I saw myself trying to hold onto all the things. I had been talking nonstop, the words coming faster and my mind telling me I would never catch up. I felt exhausted and empty. I had been talking at Garrett, but not with him. “Ugh. Okay. Move forward. But how?”

And then it happened so easily I almost laughed. As I sat alone for a few minutes, I started listening to the music. Granted, it had been blasting the entire time but I hadn’t been really hearing it. When I stopped and listened, I realized the song was perfect. It matched exactly how I felt inside. All the things that words were failing to describe. There it was outside of me and all around me and no one minded. It was a invitation. I took a deep breath and I let go. It hurt. It always does. But what followed was space and there’s so much grace to be found in it. We ate our greens and shared fries and I let myself just be right where I was at the table. Everything I wanted and thought still present but now at rest. We shared headphones and laughed and split dessert.

Y’all, the holiday’s are approaching and winter is coming. It’s a lot. It’s okay. Clearly, I am learning how to do this. But let me encourage you to slow down for a minute. To let yourself breathe and give yourself some space to be who you are and how you are. No one needs you to change into a perfect alien version of yourself. We need the best you because who you are is desperately needed in this world. No one else can be you. Who you are exactly as you are is beautiful.